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TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN
a la The Flixter

       My cousins, big fans of that Michael Bay guy, went to see this one for the midnight show on Tuesday. I could have gone but I had an early appointment the next day to get my monthly shot. And its not just because the place where I go is about an hour away. I also had to get up early and get cleaned up so I could look presentable to the prettiest doctor the Garden State has ever seen. If that sounds like I have a crush on her, you are sooooooo wrong. Anyway, I ended up going on Thursday night.

      So it was me and my three legs in the heap of fan boys there to see a bunch of robots fight it out in the middle of a few humans. By the way, my third leg is a cane, or Forearm Crutch that I am forced to use now after a few too many falls (check out Confession Time for details). So dump any perverted thoughts you had about my third leg. Well it was my FAC and I, there on last Thursday night. Though I have noticed that if I call my crutch by the abbreviation of my own design, a lot of people take it as me mispronouncing a profanity.

     Was I there for the robots or that hottie Megan Fox? A little bit of both, I guess. If my talk in this review is making me sound like some horny young guy, let me correct you. I am 31 and don't consider myself young. Anyway, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has to leave his beloved Mikaela (Megan Fox) and head off to college. Plus he leaves his Autobot guardian, Bumblebee, at home. But things are not going to be that simple. The evil Decepticons are still after that Allspark thingee which is going to help them destroy the Sun and Earth. So the noble Optimus Prime, leader of the valiant Autobots, re-enters the picture. The evil Megatron is after Sam because he has some symbols imprinted in his brain that will lead them to what they seek.

     How does that sound for a plot? Well, its more of an excuse for director Michael Bay to unleash all sorts of mayhem on his home planet. Does the movie deliver? If you are looking for action then there is enough for a couple of movies. But to my jaded old ass, it got to be too much. That happened right around the point when I stopped giving a damn about the fate of either party involved. Yes, at a running time of two and a half hours, it just seemed like all there was on screen was eye candy, either in the form of special effects or Megan Fox. And all that eye candy made me feel like a diabetic eating Sugar Daddies. So, no, I didn't like it. The first one was decent and maybe because Steven Spielberg was present as a producer. But his name is not attached here except for his studio, Dreamworks, being behind this FX atrocity.

RATING :  ONE STAR

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YEAR ONE
a la The Flixter

       I don't know if the title truly applies to the setting of this pre-historic comedy. I mean, it could be year two or three. Who knows? But let's talk about the movie.

      Zed (Jack Black) and Oh (Michael Cera) are two cavemen who are banished from their village. Well, if they are living in a village, then they are not really cavemen. So let's just say that they are two prehistoric guys who are booted from their village. So they embark on a journey to not only survive and prove that the world isn't flat, but to also start their own village that according to Zed, as he departs the old place, will be ten times better. But things are not that easy because its not just the wild life that proves to be threatening. Its their basic ignorance of what is out there. But they do happen to run into some historic (or Biblical) figures:

      They see Cain killing Abel. They meet Adam as he questions his son about the missing sibling. They meet Abraham as he is about to sacrifice his son. They learn the whereabouts of Sodom and Gomorrah. The ill reputation of those sister cities makes them head their way. Did I mention that while these things happen, we have already witnessed Zed tasting some poop that he has come across and an upside down Oh pee over his face? And there is some humor involving flatulence as well. But that doesn't matter as long as its making you laugh.

       I think I sat through this entire movie without ever cracking a smile. Oh wait. I think I did smile once but I have really forgotten what that was about. Maybe it was the end credits starting. Yes, the one in the title could also describe the amount of funny bits in this movie. What disappointed me the most was that this movie was directed by Harold Ramis, who, in my opinion, directed one of the funniest movies of all time. Yes, one of my favorites, Groundhog Day. He even makes a cameo in this embarrassment. I am so disappointed in you, Mr. Ramis. Maybe The Hangover has elevated my standards for comedy really high. Or maybe this movie just stunk really bad.

RATING :  ZERO STARS

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The Hangover
a la The Flixter

        It starts off with a phone call. A call made to a bride-to-be, who is about to have the to-be removed in less than 24 hours. The call is from one of the groom's friends, three of whom headed out to Vegas with the groom, for a wild bachelor party... Well, the call isn't such good news. It turns out that the groom, Doug(Justin Bartha) can't be located. Yes, the three friends woke up in a trashed hotel room that does contain a chicken (don't ask) and a tiger (really don't ask) but no Doug. As pieces are started to put together we find that the bride to be, wasn't too crazy about Doug heading out to Vegas with three friends that she considers immature and trouble. I guess she was right since a hangover isn't the only thing that their night of partying yields. There's also a wrecked Mercedes Benz, a ticked off bunch of Asian gangsters, and a not too happy Mike Tyson. Yes, that Mike Tyson.

        As the pieces continue to come together, we start to see what actually took place... Oh, I almost forgot to mention one other thing that they find the morning after. A baby in the closet. Yes, a live human baby in the closet. It sure sounds interesting. I mean, the kind of work that went into producing such results. Is it?

       I have to say that I absolutely loved this movie. Its the kind of thing that director Judd Apatow has become famous for. A raunchy and mature comedy with just the right amount of immaturity. But the auteur here is Todd Phillips, whose Old School was just okay in my opinion. This is by far, one of the best times I have had at the movies in a while. The cast is great. Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Zach Galifianakias bring their own brand of individuality to the diverse trio of friends. Galifiakias has to be the scene stealer as the man-child of the group who may be the team's only chance at some financial salvation thanks to his Rain-Man like qualities. Oh yeah, did I mention that one of the four also wakes up to find that he got married the night before? But in the midst of all these shenanigans, let's not forget that the hunt for the missing groom to be is also going on. Loved it...

RATING :  FIVE STARS

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Drag Me To Hell
a la The Flixter

        As an LA loan officer, things seem to be looking promising for Christine Brown (Alison Lohman). She has a charming boyfriend in the form of Dr. Clay Dalton (Justin Long) and she may just have impressed her bosses enough to be considered for the next promotion over an over ambitious co-worker... And then Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) comes to her desk looking for an extension on her home loan. The old gypsy has already been granted extensions and doesn't seem to be able to catch up on her delinquent payments. What to do?

       Christine could be a good human and grant the old lady an extension. Or she could deny the extension, impress her bosses, and get that promotion. She gives the old lady the extension. The old lady is happy, gives Christine her blessings, and Christine lives a happy life after marrying her beau. Just kidding. What the heck kind of movie would that be? Not the kind with Evil Dead maestro Sam Raimi at its helm. So Christine denies the extension and the old lady, feeling disgraced and humiliated, places the curse of the Lamia on Christine.

       Yes, the curse works wonders as Christine life turns to hell as things start going from bad to worse. And there's the promise of eternal damnation in Hell itself after a few days. Seemingly losing her mind to everyone around, including her boyfriend, she tries desperately to reverse the curse. Even seeking the aid of a seer (Dileep Rao) whose eventual diagnosis is that Christine is pretty screwed if she doesn't take certain steps... And she does take those steps, but are they successful?

     Well, watch it to find out since I don't want to give anything away. This could be seen as Raimi's return to his horror roots. But what had be disconcerting was the film's inhibiting PG-13 rating. Couldn't expect any mayhem of the Evil Dead caliber. But there is the constant state of dread throughout the movie and a state of panic as Christine rushes for a reversal before its too late. However, there are a few too many fake scares. The ending is a beauty, though...

RATING :  FOUR STARS

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Angels & Demons
a la The Flixter

        Author Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code has probably sold about a bazillion copies, one of which I bought but never finished. Angels and Demons is a predecessor to that one. That means that it came before Da Vinci. But Hollywood does things its own way. So the film version makes it a sequel of sorts since it is set after the events of Da Vinci.

        Tom Hanks returns as Robert Langdon, the Harvard symbologist who revealed some truths that the Church wasn't so happy with. So he is surprised when the Church seeks his help. Four high ranking cardinals have been kidnapped and the kidnappers threaten to kill one an hour. After those three are eliminated, Vatican City is going to be blown up with a bomb made of anti matter. Time is very limited and Langdon's welcoming party doesn't seem to be too eager to help. Mainly, the two highest ranking people, the eldest Cardinal (Armin Mueller-Stahl) and the head of Vatican Security (Stellan Skarsgard) are the two most reluctant ones. But Langdon finds an ally in the young Camerlengo (Ewan McGregor) and a pretty scientist (Ayelet Zurer). The latter is actually the one who is responsible for creating that anti matter which is now being used as threat.

        Langdon's research into the matter reveals an ancient cult known as The Illuminati, which may have resurfaced after being forced underground.

       Yes, there is suspense and there is drama. But at a running time of two hours and twenty minutes, the action gets so spread out that there seems to be a constant state of actionlessness. Yes, it gets boring and unlike Da Vinci, there really isn't that whopper of a revelation at the end. I am a huge Tom Hanks fan and believe that he is the finest actor around these days. Unfortunately, this one could be held against my declaration. Don't get me wrong. He is still in fine form. Its just the entirety of the cinematic experience that isn't so fine. A little boring and not so involving...

RATING :  TWO STARS

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STAR TREK
a la The Flixter

        I must have been in high school when Star Trek: Deep Space Nine started on TV. I had never followed anything Trek and figured that it would be a good start for me, i.e. to dedicate myself to something besides cartoons. To become a fan of something with live actors performing and not just their voices being heard. However, after a few episodes, I lost interest.... just didn't care. I was meant for cartoons and things rooted in humans. Even when I read Sci-Fi, I preferred either the scary types, the action-oriented ones, or the ones that took human conditions to a scientific extreme and not the ones that just put forward an imaginative new landscape. So Star Trek or Star Wars were just not my type of thing. So why did I go see this new take on Gene Roddenberry's vision on opening night with a theater packed by mostly fans? Well, there wasn't much else playing.

       So there I was, sitting in the midst of dedicated fans who couldn't help but break into applause as new embodiments of their favorite characters emerged. Yes, it felt strange at times but director JJ Abrams does a pretty good job of involving an uncaring audience member like myself. This one goes back to the beginning as a young James T. Kirk grows up with dreams of joining the Starfleet and maybe becoming captain. Chris Pine does a fine job as the grown up Kirk who is fighting against odds to become the captain of the Enterprise. He is overlooked, someone else is picked, and he isn't even allowed to board the spaceship. But he persists, boards, and climbs into the Captain's chair when circumstances leave the space vacant and in need of someone who knows what they are doing. And his actions prove that his true dedication has yielded the kind of expertise that is needed. So he does become Captain Kirk.

      Along the way, he has formed a friendship with a young Vulcan named Spock who becomes a key ally and friend. Zachary Quinto does an equally impressive job as the latter. But the evolution of these two spacemen isn't the only thing. There are bad guys to fight and a galactic peace to be gained. That peace is mainly threatened by Eric Bana's Nero. Seems like a lot going on but the movie's two and a half hour running time is plenty to accommodate all the happenings. Yes, there is plenty of action and plenty of drama. Even some romantic entanglements to further up the human factor in the midst of all the special effects. Pretty good and entertaining. Didn't make me a Trekkie, but I enjoyed it while it lasted..

RATING :  FOUR STARS

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STATE OF PLAY
a la The Flixter

        Cal McAffrey (Russell Crowe) is a sloppy journalist for the Washington Globe. Actually, that doesn't sound right... No, he is not sloppy in his journalistic duties and he is actually pretty devoted to his occupation as a crusader. Its just his existence that is sloppy. His apartment is a mess and his car is like a dumpster on wheels. His personal life is equally in shambles. He has an ex-wife (Robin Wright Penn) and no current romantic possibilities. His Editor at the paper (Helen Mirren) is trying to ward off going under and expects him to churn out something worthwhile. Then a big break comes in the form of an old college roommate.

       Stephen Collins (Ben Affleck) is a US Senator with his eyes set on the presidency. Collins gets caught up in a sex scandal that comes out when one of his female aides turns up dead. Was it an accident or murder? Collins turns to Cal for help and Cal is eager to help since the task has a double reward. He can do a story and help out a friend.

      Investigation into the matter reveals the dead girl's connection to a military corporation that Collins was investigating and is tied to Homeland Security. Meanwhile, Cal finds an ally in Della Frye (Rachel McAdams), the fellow reporter at the Globe who does mainly gossip duties but finds some common ground with Cal and his investigation of an initially gossip-page story. So that is the plot.

     You have Oscar winners Crowe, Mirren, and Affleck teamed for something that seems destined for a classic. But remember that Affleck never won for acting. He is still decent though and brings some flawed decency to his character who is sympathetic at times. Crowe is in fine form, as well as Mirren. McAdams also holds her own in the midst of these thespians. But good acting doesn't always make an entertaining movie, which is my top priority... then comes the talent.

    So this movie was a little boring despite all the convoluted  plot elements and fine acting. Good, yes, but not great by my standards. I mean, it has to keep you entertained so you don't lose interest in what's going on. And, unfortunately, I found myself doing that a few times and then picking up when things got interesting again. Like I said, good but not great..

RATING :  THREE STARS

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OBSERVE AND REPORT
a la The Flixter

        Seth Rogen is a mall cop. But don't think of this as another Paul Blart-type family friendly, mall cop movie. This one is dark and nasty. Just look at the big case that presents itself to this mall cop. A case involving a degenerate going around the mall parking lot and flashing his privates at unsuspecting females. There is outrage and alarm as the incidents get a lot of coverage on the airwaves. The flasher remains at large while Rogen and his equally inept crew are pushed harder to catch the pervert. But he has his own problems. He lives with his mother who is a hopeless drunk. He is in love with the girl at the cosmetics counter... That ditzy blonde, played by Anna Farris, doesn't pay him any attention. That is until she becomes a victim of the flasher and Rogen makes it his personal mission to catch the guy who did this to his dream girl.

       But his mission to get the guy gets overshadowed by some real cops who are brought in. Ray Liotta is the detective in charge and the two immediately start hating each other. Things are funny, sad, and pretty hilarious at times. But the movie has a darkness to it that becomes more dominant as things get pretty bloodily violent. Rogen's character is almost pitiable for his inability to achieve any of the things that he wants, whether its his dream girl or the hope of seeing himself being taken seriously as the law in the mall, which could be seen as his town.

        Yes, the movie is pretty funny but can't qualify as a feel good chuckler because of all the dysfunction being thrown at us along with the laughs..

RATING :  THREE STARS

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Adventureland
a la The Flixter

        Its the summer of 1987 and James (Jesse Eisenberg), having graduated college, has plans to go backpacking across Europe before starting grad school. But dad gets demoted at his job and mom delivers the news that they can't pay for the trip or school. What level will poor James stoop to? Well, there's a little amusement park nearby and a summer job there can raise some funds. So that is where he begins work, rather unenthusiastically, manning the games where people will dish out a whole lot of money just to win a stupid stuffed bunny rabbit. And this step makes it his defining summer as friendships are formed, pot and alcohol are consumed in large amounts, and lessons are learned. 

     The maintenance guy, played by Ryan Reynolds, will teach him a little about the ladies since he is busy succeeding with the ladies, young and old. The two people running the park (Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader) make sure that James doesn't allow anyone to win the huge pink rabbit as well as provide the comic relief with their goofy antics. And Kristen Stewart is Emily, or Em, the pretty co-worker who will teach the hardest lessons about the heart.

     The romance is dominant over the comedy and the result is a little more mixed than expected. What may disappoint are the expectations raised by the film's marketing. Its been touted as the new one from Superbad's Greg Mottola. That one was hilarious. So I did go in expecting a romantic comedy but ended up watching a romance where the coming of age makes the romance more bittersweet than comic. But don't get me wrong. I didn't hate this movie. The performances are great and Stewart actually delivers a great one as the siren who gives James a harder time than the one he faced entering the park. Jesse Eisenberg is also fine as the geek with his eyes set on a prize that is just as hard to get, as the prizes that people come to him with the hopes of winning. The movie captured the mood of the era pretty well and made me wonder why I used to like Falco's Rock Me Amadeus. Good, but a little too slow in stretches...

RATING :  THREE and a Half STARS

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I LOVE YOU, MAN
a la The Flixter

        Peter (Paul Rudd) is getting married soon. Everything is perfect. He and his girlfriend are deeply in love and have been together for close to a decade. He's got a nice job and, being a nice guy, has everybody liking him. But there's also a small problem that, with the wedding day approaching, becomes bigger. He has plenty of friends but none of them are guys. He doesn't go out with his male co-workers for "after hour partying" because he'd rather be home to his girl. So no male friends means an absence of a best man. He can't have that, can he? So the search begins for a male friend who will end up being the best man.

      Turning to the Internet doesn't do any good. But he's a real estate agent and at one of the open houses he meets Sydney (Jason Segel), a free-wheeling party animal who just might fit the open slot. Phone numbers are exchanged and the two start to hang out as a friendship starts to evolve. But, like I said, Sydney is a free spirit and the two very different personalities collide just as much as they bond.

      This is the kind of raunchy comedy that we have come to expect from Judd Apatow. But this one is from director John Hamburg and he delivers raunchy laughs just as well. Sure it gets predictable as Peter and Sydney bond, fight, get along, and eventually reach that eventual happy ending.

     But predictability doesn't matter if the journey distracts you from the inevitable. How was the journey here? Pretty good. Paul Rudd is good but Jason Segel is the better one as he projects the same slobby charm that he did in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. A fun, though predictable, ride. But be prepared for some potty humor, as well...

RATING :  THREE STARS

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THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT
a la The Flixter

        There's not much to this movie so I will just give you the basics and then my verdict.

        Tony Goldwyn is a doctor who goes on vacation to an old house with his wife and daughter. The daughter brings a friend along. They get to the house, get set up, and the daughter and friend go off for some exploration of their new whereabouts. The two girls run into this boy at a convenience store who tells them he can hook them up with some pot. The go to a motel room, smoke up, and are rudely interrupted by the boy's clan which includes a father and uncle who have escaped from police custody. By the way, that escape happens in the beginning.

       Anyway the girls get away, are chased, and finally caught in the woods. The friend is killed and the daughter raped. She manages to get back to the parents while the broken down perpetrators of the aforementioned atrocities are seeking some aid. Guess where they end up? Yes, the house of the title which also happens to be the doc's residence. Doc and the wife give these broken down folk some shelter, find out the truth, and get violent. Yes, they make these people pay for what they did to their daughter. A simple bullet in the head won't do.

      There's going to be torture and, when the end comes, its not going to be a pleasant demise. That's it. That is the gist of what the movie is about. Its a remake of an old film from Wes Craven. I never saw the original. The plot just never seemed like it would offer too many surprises. You know where it is headed. So why did I go see the remake? Because there was nothing else of interest. Was I disappointed? Not really. If I went in expecting greatness, then I would be disappointed. But I didn't go in expecting much and as a result was absolutely satisfied. Does that make sense? Think about it and then read on.

      Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter aren't bad as the parents who turn vicious when they see their daughter hurt. The offenders are suitably loathsome except for the son, who would be the one to blame for unintentionally putting the girls in harm's way. Not a terrible movie. Just not that good, either...

RATING :  TWO STARS

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WATCHMEN
a la The Flixter

         Welcome to an alternate 1985. The United States won the Vietnam War and Richard Nixon has served five consecutive terms as president... And there are a bunch of freaks with superpowers roaming NYC and battling it out amongst themselves and any other threats that may emerge.

        The narrator is Rorscach (Jackie Earle Haley) a vigilante filled with hate for what the world has become. And there are other super powered freaks like Dr. Manhattan and the Silk Specter. The US and Russia are on the brink of nuclear war and things are, to put it simply, just plain bleak.

       The movie has a running time of close to three hours. It gives you a lot to think about... In the middle of all that is going on, I thought about No Line on the Horizon, the new cd from my favorite band U2. I thought about how I was a little disappointed. Sure, there are a few great songs, but the album as a whole cannot compete with greatness of Achtung Baby which, in my opinion, is the greatest thing that the band has put out. Most will say that The Joshua Tree is their masterpiece but I have to go with Achtung Baby... Then I realized that I had just paid ten bucks to watch this movie and my attention should be towards that. But, honestly, for an adaptation of an Alan Moore graphic novel, the movie is pretty dull despite all the action that is going on. The theater was absolutely packed and being there reminded me of a lesson that I should have learned from Twilight. The lesson being that opening nights for such fare are for the fan base that has dedicated itself to the print version of what is about to unfold onscreen.

      A newbie like me should wait for the fan frenzy to calm down. But like I was saying, the movie was boring to me. How boring? Well, halfway through the movie, I had to take my lighter out. To smoke? No. I actually forgot the title of the movie I was watching. I took out my stub, and then the lighter, to see what it was that I was watching. But let me stop being just harsh about the movie. I have to say that director Zach Snyder does a pretty amazing job of bringing Moore's work to the screen. The movie does look amazing and some of the action scenes are pretty elaborately brutal. But, still the movie manages to be boring. Snyder did a lot better with 300. So go rent that instead of spending ten bucks here.

RATING :  TWO STARS

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Friday the 13th
a la The Flixter

         Since Jason Voorhees, the hockey mask wearing and unstoppable killing machine with a vast array of sharp objects to dismember and maim, has already died numerous times, gone to hell, and faced off against that other horror movie icon, Freddy Krueger (referring to Freddy vs. Jason), the filmmakers are starting to feel that they may be pushing it by constantly bringing him back. So they have decided to go back to the original that started it all and remake it. Why not? The setting is Camp Crystal Lake in our very own Garden State. Jason was a kid who happened to drown while under the supervision of some negligent camp counselors. Now his spirit is back in the form of a giant, masked fiend who will kill all who step on his turf and give in to their hormonal urges. That means that all those horny youngsters making out while camping out are not going to last too long. That is pretty much the premise. On to the killings.

       Yes, we get to see Jason go from a maniac with a bag over his head to being a maniac with a hockey mask. It is evolution in its crudest form. The entire cast is a bunch of young newcomers. They are camping, loving, and meeting their maker in the most painful of ways. Getting hacked by axes, being set ablaze in a sleeping bag hanging over flames, or even getting impaled on tree branches and deer antlers, whichever happens to be handy. Of course, they are trying to kill the nut while trying to survive but you know how that is going to go. Jason wins and they don't. Makes me think of that adage about what came first, the chicken or the egg. Or in this case, what came first, Jason's immortality or the countless sequels?

      Do the filmmakers keep resurrecting him because the demand shows a need for a sequel? I guess so. Maybe they kill him in the end of every movie while figuring that it won't make any money and they can just end it. But money is made and Mr. Voorhees is brought back. I mentioned that other horror movie icon, Freddy Krueger, earlier. I have to say that I was never too crazy about the Nightmare movies. But the Friday's I enjoyed. The same goes here. It was cruel, it was nasty, and it was fun. Is Jason coming back? Probably since they didn't even bother killing him in this one. I guess now they will start remaking the sequels. Who knows....

RATING :  THREE STARS

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TAKEN
a la The Flixter

         Bryan Mills (Liam Neeson) used to work for the CIA.  Wait a minute...actually, let me be honest here. Its been almost a week since I saw this movie, so the memory is a little foggy. I am not sure if he used to work for the CIA. But he was in the espionage industry and worked as a spy. Now he is retired and works odd jobs. Like helping out a friend whose outfit is providing security to some young songstress on her tour. Mills has an ex-wife (Famke Jenssen) who is now married to some rich guy and doesn't appreciate Mills moving to LA. He says that its so he can be closer to his teenaged daughter. Then the daughter needs Pop to sign a permission slip that will allow her to go to Paris with a friend. Mills is reluctant but does it to gain some approval in the daughter's eyes. Because, like I said, the step-dad is a rich guy who overshadows Mills' birthday present by giving the girl a pony.

         Anyway, the girl and her friend go to Paris where they end up getting kidnapped on arrival. The kidnappers are a bunch of Albanian sex traffickers. Mills is mad and flies over to track down these people and get his daughter back. The former spy reignites his dormant skills and becomes a bad-ass again. Action stuff happens along with some cool car chases. Then the movie ends with that required happy ending. And all this happens in ninety minutes. That is it.

        The movie is a very condensed piece of cinema. Did I like it? I think so. I am a big fan of Mr. Neeson. He is a great actor. An actor who should be above fare like this. This is just too mundane. Nothing against his fine Irish accent but how can he pass himself off as a French individual when I doubt that he could pass himself off as an American? But did I like it? Kind of. It was hardly perfect but did have enough escapism in that hour and a half when the lights were out. Once the lights came on, questions popped up in my head but I just chose to come home and go to sleep. Will think over them some other day...

RATING :  THREE STARS

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A VERY DIFFERENT COUPLE
a la The Flixter

         I don't think this qualifies as being categorized as a review. Its more like an essay about my attempts at enjoying two movies over the course of a week. First up was the gore-fest, My Bloody Valentine 3D. I would not expect much depth from such a movie, even though it was in 3D... But the whole reason I went out of my way to see it was because it was in 3D... I have to say that this had to be a rare incident because I can't recall another bloody horror movie that was offered in this format. Like I was saying, I went out of my way.

       The first time I went, on opening night, it was sold out. Some other day, I figured... When that day came, I got a ticket and paid the two extra dollars for the glasses. I could have saved myself that money if I had gone through my mess at home and found the same type of eye ware I got when I saw Beowulf at the same theater and in the same format. Anyway, let me talk about the movie. I can't give you names of the players because I can't really remember them. It takes place in a small mining community called Harmony. Tom Atkins returns many years after a horrible mining accident and gruesome murders that may be connected to one of the sole survivors of that accident. His old girlfriend is married to the town sheriff, so there's that unease. And his return coincides with a new wave of killings by someone wielding a pickaxe. That synchronicity makes him the prime suspect. Is he or isn't he? Who really cares. I just went to see the gore in 3D. And that I got.

     Yes, it is pretty cool to see sharp object flying at you and the need to wipe your face of that blood that just splashed at you. But, beyond that, is there anything that will last? Anything that will give you nightmares or disturb your routine life? No. There isn't anything of that sort. Is it something that will scare you in 2D? Well the third D didn't scare me so I doubt that one less would do anything.

     Anyway, moving on to the next movie. It is hyped as the re-pairing of that Titanic couple, Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio. Yes, that couple who fell for each other before that big boat hit an oversized ice cube. The movie was Revolutionary Road. It takes place in the 1950s and deals with a married couple made up of the aforementioned actors. They are a happily married couple minus the happiness... So they are just a married couple then.

    She is an actress and he works as some salesman type person. They live in this nice neighborhood and on the street of the title. But they are miserable. They don't talk much, have two kids, and sometimes can't stand each other. But there is that love that once was and keeps trying to come up again. I should just cut the crap about trying to explain the plot because it was a very slow and boring movie. The type of movie that keeps making you think of things that you didn't want to think about. Things that are not happening on the screen but in your life. So when I say that the movie is depressing, its not just because the happenings on screen are depressing. Its because all the stuff I got to think about was depressing. But I will say that both Winslet and Dicaprio deliver very good performances. Too bad they were not good in an entertaining movie. By the way, its directed by Sam Mendes who brought another type of dysfunction to the big screen in the form of the Oscar winning American Beauty.

RATINGS :
MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D : ONE STAR
REVOLUTIONARY ROAD : TWO STARS

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GRAN TORINO
a la The Flixter

      Walt Kowalski (Clint Eastwood) is a grizzled old man. And grizzled is not the only word that fits the old timer. He is also bitter, racist, and never too far from losing his temper. What makes him even more bitter are the changes he has seen in his Detroit neighborhood. Changes in the form of all different types of people moving into the once white neighborhoods. So it is definitely bad timing when he finds a family of Hmongs moving into the house next door, right after he has returned from his wife's funeral, an occasion that has only further infuriated him because of the indifference shown by his kids and grandkids.

     A Korean War veteran, Walt, doesn't like his new neighbors. The neighbor's son, Thao (Bee Vang), is rescued from a Hispanic gang by a Hmong gang led by Thao's cousin. That gang, in return, wants Thao to join... Its when they get violent and bring their demands to Thao's door that Walt steps forward and intervenes with a gun. The new neighbors can't thank him enough, even though Walt wants no part of their endless offerings. By the way, Walt's most prized possession is his Gran Torino, the antique car that he loves more than his kids.

     As part of the gang's demands, Thao had attempted to steal that car. The family's way of an apology is to have Thao work for Walt. There is bonding and an unlikely friendship is formed. Walt actually starts liking his neighbors and ends up being a guardian of sorts for their threatened existence. Is that enough about the plot? I hope so. Now for the criticism.

   Well, there is none. The movie is an absolute pleasure. Clint Eastwood works wonders as both director and star. He actually lends a lot of humor to his bitter character because you just can't help but laugh at the seething hatred in that bitter old timer. The entire cast is wonderful. God bless Mr. Eastwood for still turning out these amazing movies while being nearly eighty years old..

RATING : FIVE STARS

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A DOUBLE WHAMMY
a la The Flixter

      Many movies opened over the Christmas holiday week. Like the title suggests, I was able to catch two of them. So here it goes...

      First up was Valkyrie, the WW II thriller starring Tom Cruise as Col. Claus von Stauffenberg. He is part of Hitler's army and has seen much of the horror that has been committed by his Fuhrer. So the guy is pretty much disillusioned by the goals that he is supposed to achieve... He joins an underground movement that consists of some similarly disillusioned people in the upper ranks of the Nazi regime. Their solution is to kill Hitler.

     The assassination is planned down to the smallest details, including what will be the aftermath of a country left without a leader. The plot is to have von Stauffenburg smuggle some explosives into the compound where Hitler is and blow him up. Sounds almost simple. But there is that thing in the beginning of the movie that states how the film is based on true events. If you know anything about history, then you at least know that Hitler was not assassinated. So you are watching a movie about a bunch of people on a mission that you know will fail. Where's the thrill when you know exactly where it is headed? That is what is good about the movie - keeping the viewer in suspense over the inevitable. Because, believe it or not, the movie gets pretty tense as you start rooting for the guys even when you know that they are pretty screwed.

     The performances are solid as Tom Cruise gives a very convincing performance as the Nazi who decided to do something that, hit or miss, would pretty much doom him and his loved ones. Did I say that the movie is pretty tense? Yes, but that is in the second half when the goal seems to be within reach. The bad part is the first half when things are a little slow, as the folks are in the planning stages. So the movie could be half and half but its the second half that is dominant. A decent effort from director Bryan Singer.

    The next day I set out to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, a movie that I was having second thoughts about watching even before I entered the theater. A three hour movie about a guy who ages backwards? Why not, I figured.

    Benjamin is born elderly. His mother dies during childbirth and his father, upon laying eyes on his newborn, decides to leave him on the steps of an old folks home. When the lady sees this abandoned package, she takes him in as one of God's creatures. Queenie (Taraji P. Henson) raise the child (??) as her own and Benjamin fits right in with the other senior inhabitants. That is where he meets Daisy, a young girl who is visiting her grandmother. A friendship is formed but the two cannot be together since he is an old man and she is a young girl. But Benjamin does not grow older... he grows younger. He leaves the place when he is able to and sets out on a journey of self discovery that finds him becoming a sailor. And here's the beauty of this movie. He is getting younger and Daisy is getting older. You know that a time will come when the two will be the same age. But how will he find his true love?

    Well, that is what this movie is all about. The journey. Touching, sad, and hilarious, the movie which can be viewed as a fantasy, is essentially a love story. By the way, under all that makeup is Brad Pitt as Benjamin. Probably the best role of his career. And Cate Blanchett is great as the grown up Daisy, a ballerina who can't seem to handle the young Benjamin in the midst of other romantic possibilities that result from her ballet ambitions.  Director David Fincher does an absolutely amazing job in bringing a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald to the big screen. Absolutely loved it. I knew this was a great movie when, after its three hour running time, I knew that I could just keep sitting there and watch it all over again.

RATINGS
VALKYRIE: FOUR STARS
CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON:
THE ABSOLUTELY BEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.

YES MAN
a la The Flixter

      Carl Allen (Jim Carrey) is a "no" man. The no's that he usually gives to applicants at the bank where he works as a loan officer, have seeped into his regular life outside the bank... He says no to everything. Whether its someone selling stuff on the sidewalk or a friend inviting him out for something fun. The friends want him to get out of the rut he's been, in since a romantic breakup that put him in this "no" rut. After all, its been a couple of years since it happened. Then Carl actually listens to someone and goes to a seminar where a motivational speaker convinces him that he will say yes to everything in life.

     Terence Stamp's motivational guru casts one heck of a spell over Carl, since he walks out of that auditorium bent on saying "yes" to everything. Sometimes it is incredibly stupid. For example, he gives a homeless guy a ride into some dark woods, ends up getting robbed, running out of gas, and with a dead phone battery since the homeless guy had been busy yapping on the phone. But maybe it was a good choice since he meets Zooey Deschanel at the gas station where he goes to get some gas. She gives him a ride back to his car on her scooter and things start to look promising as some chemistry is formed between the two.

     Back at his job, he starts approving loans for everybody and anybody. He goes out and parties with his friends. And he goes to the club where the band playing, is fronted by the girl who gave him a ride on her scooter. He pretty much says yes to everything that comes his way. And then there are the consequences of all the frivolous yes's. That is pretty much the gist of the movie.

     The previews looked hilarious. The movie wasn't. Yes, there are moments but just not enough. Is it a return to form for Carrey? Well, there is an abundant display of the comic abilities that made him famous. But it is another case where the yawns suck up the humor. Yes, I found this one a little boring, as well. The good part is the chemistry between Carrey and Deschanel. That is what makes the romance in this ultimately romantic comedy realistic. Beyond that there isn't too much to recommend it. Watch the preview. Its a lot funnier than the whole...

RATING : TWO STARS

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL
a la The Flixter

      Astrobiologist Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly) is rushed away by some Army-type people. She leaves her stepson (Jaden Smith, son of Will), and goes with these people to a place where she finds a whole bunch of her nerdy types collected in an army bunker and being briefed about a startling new development in the skies. It seems that there is a huge object, shaped like a globe, approaching our planet.

      Panic mode is on high as the object keeps getting closer. Then it lands in Central Park and out comes a gooey humanoid type thing. Of course, the first reaction is to shoot at it since there are many guns handy. Then the thing is taken to a hospital where, once the goo is removed, the alien turns out to be Keanu Reeves. Before you can say "dude!!!", an alliance is formed between Benson and Klaatu (Keanu's alien being), and the two escape from the hospital. In the verbal exchanges that follow, it is revealed that Klaatu has come to Earth to warn us about our polluting ways.

      Actually, he is not really here to warn us. His people have been watching the human race and deemed it pretty hopeless... so out goes the warning bit. No, the Earth is very precious. The only problem is the beings that inhabit it. Therefore, he will exterminate the humans and let Earth be Earth. And its Benson's job to convince this guy that the humans are actually pretty decent folks and should be allowed to go on. Will this hottie be able to convince Klaatu to change his intent? Take a guess. Now for the breakdown.

     This is a remake of the 1951 movie of the same name. In that one, Klaatu was here to warn the humans about nuclear weapons. In the update, its the environment. If it sounds boring, then maybe its because it is... The only excitement is in the form of Klaatu's robot defender Gort, a huge thing that blows up a lot of stuff that may be threatening to his charge. Reeves is actually tailor made for this role of an alien that doesn't emote at all and delivers his lines without much feeling. Ms. Connelly is beautiful and that's about it. The highlight has to be an argument between Klaatu and Benson's mentor, played by John Cleese (I'm a huge fan of Monty Python). Beyond that, the movie is boring.

RATING : ONE STAR

Punisher - War Zone
a la The Flixter

      Frank Castle (Ray Stevenson) is pissed. There he was, with his wife and kid, having a good time in a park when the wife and kid got eliminated in a mob-related hit. No, they were not involved with the mob. They just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. Now Castle roams the streets as The Punisher, a vigilante who goes around killing any wrong doers and bent on getting the mobster who is directly responsible for killing the wife and kid.

      Billy Russoti (Dominic West) is eventually punished but his punishment does not end up being death. Instead, Castle manages to throw him in this shredder type thing where he gets his face shredded. But that won't keep him down. Once able to rise, he goes around his usual business under a new name. Jigsaw is what his facial deformation leads him to name himself. And from then on, the movie becomes one nastily, bloody mess as people are butchered and the Punisher goes about his usual with a new challenge in the form of Jigsaw. That's it.

      Really, that is all the movie is about. Blood, bullets, and death in pretty much all its forms. Ray Stevenson goes through the entire movie with the same constipated look and Jigsaw is annoyingly hateful. What does that mean? That means that you don't just hate him because he is evil. You hate him because he is just so damn annoying. The movie is literally a bloody mess. Absolutely awful and without any single redeeming quality. Out of the three attempts at bringing Marvel Comics' hero to the big screen, this is hands down the worst. And, believe it or not, the best one, in my opinion, was the one that starred Dolph Lundgren as the titular hero. Go figure..

RATING : ZERO STARS

TRANSPORTER 3
a la The Flixter

      This movie caused flashbacks. Flashbacks into a past where I saw some pretty crappy movies. Cheesy action films where the hero would find himself surrounded by a group of murderous thugs... But they were very well mannered thugs. They would know not to gang up on the lone hero. Instead they would politely stand on the side where they would wait for the good guy to dispense of the one bad guy who had stepped up against him. Once that brave one had the crap beaten out of him and was lying on the ground, the next baddie would step up to take his turn at getting some whoop-ass from the brave good one. So on and so forth until nobody but the hero was left.  Does this give you an idea about the kind of movie we are dealing with? Anyway, I should get into the plot a little.

     Frank Martin (Jason Statham) delivers packages, which sometimes include people, for other people. He knows that his clients are not the best of folks, but he doesn't question their motives. He just wants to be paid. Beyond that he has no interest in where the deliveries are conceived. His latest delivery consists of a whinny Ukrainian girl (Natalya Rudakova). He is supposed to deliver her across Europe so a group of industrialists can pollute. Turns out that the girl's father is some big shot who is supposed to be signing some papers that will bar those industrialists from doing so. The object of the kidnapping is to stop Pop from doing so. Of course, complications ensue as Frank strays from his rules and actually starts to get closer to this female. By the way, I almost forgot to mentions that both he and the girl are strapped with an explosive that will go off if they get 75 feet away from the car. Sounds like enough of a plot that should deliver plenty of action and thrills.

     Well, it doesn't. Sure there is plenty of action, including car chases, gun fights, and hand to hand combat. But none of it is thrilling... Boring is more like it. There are few comic elements but all they managed to get out me was a smirk. I seriously think that the film makers behind this franchise should stop trying to create another Bond type series. Because, from the looks of this one, they would fail miserably.

RATING : ONE STAR

TWILIGHT
a la The Flixter

     Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) movies from Phoenix, Arizona to Washington State to live with her father. So the poor girl has to adjust from being in a sunny state to being in a place where the rain is like the sunshine that she is used to... At school, she tries to connect with Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) but he just seems cold and uninterested. But then he saves her life from an out of control vehicle and thus begins a friendship that will lead to a romance.

     Just one problem though... There's a reason why Cullen and his siblings seem to be so cold, pale, and brooding. They are cold, pale, and brooding because they are a family of vampires. But they are not bad vampires that feast on the humans around them. They hunt animals and use their blood for nourishment. So is there any hope for longevity in this romance? Well, Edward is a gentleman who shows Bella some great times through his powers. He gives her a piggyback ride to the top of a very tall tree. But the good times can't last too long since this is a horror/romance. We have seen enough of the latter and it is time for some horror. That comes in the form of some "bad" vampires who are responsible for some of the human casualties popping up around town.

     So now we have the good vampires trying to keep the bad ones off of their home turf. And where does the movie end up by trying to be a horror/romance? Nowhere interesting, in my opinion. But then, it wasn't such a good move on my part, to go see a movie that was pretty ostentatiously aimed at a female audience that has followed Stephanie Meyer's young adult novels. Yes, that's right. Young adult novels. So there are no chances of bloody vampire stuff. Many females in the audience "oohed" and "ahhed" while I just sat there and rolled my eyes in the dark. Some interesting touches but not nearly enough to make me a fan..

RATING : TWO STARS

QUANTUM OF SOLACE
a la The Flixter

    James Bond (Daniel Craig) picks up where he left off in Casino Royale. From all the twenty something Bond movies that have graced the screen for the past few decades, you would never get the impression that Bond was sensitive romantic type. But Casino Royale has rebooted Ian Fleming's womanizing super spy. That movie saw our hero lose the love of his life, Vespa. And in this one Bond doesn't give a damn about anything. He just wants to get her killers. M (Judi Dench) is desperately trying to calm down her number one agent. But she is failing miserably as Bond goes from one place to another leaving destruction behind.

    The movie kicks off with an amazing foot chase that will have the audience just as breathless as the hero who runs across rooftops and busy streets. That is just the beginning. The action goes from Sienna to Haiti. Bond is bent. His superiors are trying to reel him in but to no avail. There are shootouts in bars, bazaars, and even an opera house. There's a French villain with ties to the CIA and there's a Russian with some interests in Bolivia. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that Bond is coming to get whoever is responsible for Vespa's death and whatever lies in the path will be demolished. In fact, Bond is so busy chasing and gunning that his infamous intro, "The name is Bond. James Bond", doesn't come in until the end of the movie. And there is no Q, so there are no cool super-weapons. Its just the basics... and a whole load of action.

     In my review for Casino Royale, I mentioned how I wasn't too crazy about Craig being the new Bond. But that one made me realize that he was a pretty good choice. And this one makes me realize that he is actually a great choice. The movie, at two hours, is not as long as the usual Bond flick. And the action, which is plentiful, is a little too haphazardly edited. Plus the theater was so packed that I had to sit four rows away from the screen. But a pretty good actioner that leaves an opening for more possibilities of our hero's return.

RATING : FOUR STARS

ROLE MODELS
a la The Flixter

        Danny (Paul Rudd) is a human being drenched in misery. He hates everything. He hates his job. He hates his co workers. He hates people. He hates himself. He just hates everything.

        His job is to go around to high schools and tell kids to stay off of drugs. Instead they should go for the drink he is pitching. An energy drink that is pretty much like Red Bull, except that this one has a minotaur for a slogan. Along for these rallies is his friend, Wheeler (Seann William Scott), who dresses up in a minotaur costume and is the direct opposite of Danny - he is full of life and loves everything. Then the two get into a traffic mishap and face ten days in jail... Or they have a different option. Becoming mentors to a couple of socially disabled kids. Of course they go for the second choice. Danny gets to be the charge of Augie (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) a true geek who is fixated with a medieval role playing game. Wheeler gets a foul mouthed black kid (Bobb'e J. Thompson).

        So the two become reluctant mentors to these two kids and things go as is expected. They hate each other; they can't get along; they bond, and eventually become best pals with a friendship going past the forced mentoring.

      Now for the verdict. The movie is absolutely hilarious. Rudd's character is full of self loathing and misery. His transformation is predictable but involving. Scott's Wheeler is just such a party animal. How he manages to bond with his charge while holding on to what he is, makes for a worthwhile trip. As for the kids, Mintz-Passe is pretty much the same geeky person he was as Superbad's McLovin. But Thompson is the foul mouthed wonder that steals the movie. His obsession with the female anatomy is worth the price of admission.  I laughed, I didn't cry, and I had a great time. Raunchy, sure. But funny as hell.                

RATING : FIVE STARS

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
a la The Flixter

           Zack (Seth Rogen) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) are roommates facing some hard times. Bills are piling up and money is nowhere to be seen. The electricity gets cut off and the water goes the same route. What to do? The idea comes to them when they attend their high school reunion. One of their former classmates (Justin Long) is making very good money. How? Well, he is a big movie star. What kind of movies? Gay pornos. So Zack and Miri decide to go the same way. No, not making a gay porno but a straight one. They will be the writer and director behind Star Whores.

       The casting call goes out and a few more losers enter the picture. But the complications ensue when the two decide to be in front of the camera as well. The two have been roommates but their relationship is strictly platonic. Will the two finally get together because of some simulations in front of the camera? Take a guess... because this is pretty much a romantic comedy.

       Did I mention that this is the latest offering from Kevin Smith, the man behind such classics as Clerks, Mall Rats, and Chasing Amy? Well, this is where I run into a problem. Many in my generation consider those aforementioned titles to be classics. I don't. I think Mr. Smith has been over-rated. He may have the ideas but I just don't go along with his methods of execution. The dialogue in these movies is my biggest problem. I just don't think that the verbal exchanges between his characters are realistic. That is not the only problem I had with this one. My other problem was the bathroom humor which is plentiful. We are dealing here with the world of porn and some scenes get a little too gross since the players involved don't end up being the most attractive bunch. Nice idea with a predictable rom-com outcome. Just a little too explicitly gross at times.                

RATING : TWO STARS

SAW V
a la The Flixter

           Halloween is almost here. Which only means that another Saw film is here. If that sounds like I am against those torture-porn opuses, it is incorrect. Because, call me a sicko, but I have liked those films ever since the first one that established the title since that was the only one where a "saw" was a key plot point.

          Anyway, Jigsaw is back. It doesn't matter if he was a terminally ill old man who may have died in the last entry. What matters is that the last entry made money, indicating a following and a need for Hollywood to churn out more of the same. Oh well.

          The movie starts off with a grisly and more explicit homage to Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum. Some guy who managed to escape his life sentence for murder thanks to a legal loophole, finds himself strapped to a table with a huge pendulum swinging above. The pendulum gets lower with each swing and has a sharp blade attached to it. The only way out, according to the tape that plays with a masked Jigsaw, is to put his hands in a thing next to his table and have them be crushed. That will stop the pendulum. Does he do it? Yes. Does the pendulum stop? Not really, since the blade comes down and the guy gets split in two. Welcome to Jigsaw's way of dispensing justice.  The police, meanwhile, announce an end to Jig's reign since he was found dead. But you know that somebody's going to take over...

           Five people find themselves locked in a room. The tape tells them their sins and what they can do to get out alive. Reach the key on the other side of the room or face decapitation. What happens? Take a guess. Blood flows and heads roll. The movie is just a series of such goings on. Then it ends and you are left wondering if you got what you came for. Did it scare you? If the sight of a dying old man calling the shots over your fate scares you then you will be terrified. If the sight of blood makes you nauseous then you will be puking in the aisles. If you are looking for some subtlety, then you will be yawning.

          I was disappointed but I deserved it. What was I expecting? Something that would make me lose sleep? The only sleep I lost was due to the late showing I went to... If there is a Saw VI, will I go see it? Probably. With the hope that they have put some life back into the series. Will my hope be fulfilled? Probably not. But that is how I am. Always hoping for something that is not likely...       

RATING : ONE STAR

NICK AND NORAH'S INFINITE PLAYLIST
a la The Flixter

           Its been a while since Tris dumped Nick. But he feels that she is the one for him... and he will get her back. The appropriately cast Michael Cera is Nick and his solution for getting Tris back is to keep sending her mix tapes with music that he feels will draw her back. Maybe it could, if she bothered to listen to his labors of love. Instead, she just throws them out. Nick also happens to be the only straight member of a band made up with a few fellow high-schoolers. He drives an equally geeky car... an old yellow Yugo that doesn't always cooperate with an already desperate geek.

           What brings him and Norah (Kat Dennings) together is a crazy night in NYC as they both try to see their favorite band. There's a lot of partying and Norah's best friend over does it a bit. The drunk Caroline is misplaced and a new quest is born to find her before catching the band they were planning on seeing. There are mishaps, coincidences, and misunderstandings as the night brings the two together. Is it meant to be? Are the two going to find something more in common besides their love of music? Is this another romantic comedy that is not relying on being unpredictable? Well, the answer to the last question should help you with the other two. But that is the way romantic comedies are whether they are aimed at teens or adults.

           I have said at other times that its the journey to the inevitable that makes these types of movies worthwhile.  How is it here? Not so much fun. Actually a little boring when the same calamities fall on our players over and over. The drunk and lost Caroline is annoying whenever she graces the screen. Cera is draining the helpless but likable geek bit. The only charming one is Dennings but even she starts to get overshadowed by her co-stars. I, being a big music buff, thought that I would really love this movie, a rom-com-centered around music. But, unfortunately, I just ended up thinking it was okay.       

RATING : TWO STARS